Garbage blob threatens La Jolla

Editor’s Note: Part 1 of 2.

BY EGON KAFKA

8/29/2009, 1700 Hours, Sector 92037-4233.

Cleanscape Command is inundated by multiple broadband intelligence reports indicating a serious sidewalk spillover in the Village of La Jolla.

It is time to call in the Trash Troopers.

A V-GULP (Volunteer Garbage Utility Labor Person) is dispatched to the acute trouble spot aboard one of Cleanscape Command’s newest high tech machines, a ULRPT (Unarmed Lightweight Rapid Pedal Trike), mounted with field-deployable broom, dust pan and trash bags.

The V-GULP is personally equipped for this kind of emergency only with indomitable community optimism, some disposable blue nitrile rubber gloves, and a pair of aging rusty biomechanical EGA’s (Elbow Grease Actuators).

Upon arrival at the scene it is observed that the trash breach threatens to besmirch both visitors and regular local customers of the stores. The garbage blob is starting to slime and engulf the sidewalk directly in front of the Black and White Store, which is adjacent to American Apparel, Mr. B’s and Georgiou. It is late Saturday afternoon on a very hot, busy, profitable weekend towards the end of summer. The storefronts themselves look great.

What would appear to be a perfectly good public trash receptacle is absolutely overflowing with trash. People are so upset that they have complained to all of the adjacent clothing boutique merchants, called the city, alerted the media; and continued to put their trash on top of or next to the overflowing container to protest the fact that it is overflowing.

Someone has even helpfully put some gnarled tree branches that are about 4 feet long on the sidewalk next to the overflowing trash can. The branches are helping to hold down a few shopping bags, which are themselves full of trash.

Other trash has spilled over or blown off the sidewalk into the gutter and onto the street.

Such a trashy-esthetic location has inspired everyone else to be trashy, so many folks here have elected to adorn the sidewalk and palm tree planters with their cigarette butts and chewing gum.

Several species of flies circle, land and feed on the huge sticky feast; the flies at least are content.

The Scraps Institute of Grossology issues a report warning the public that at the present rate of apathy all of La Jolla risks becoming imminently unkempt, paid parking, 3rd storied, and/or garbage-Blobbed, as the case may be.

In virtually unanimous solidarity, the La Jolla community stubbornly appreciates free concerts, movies and fireworks in the park. La Jolla loves clean attractive shop fronts, neatly trimmed plants and trees out front, well-lighted and trash-free beaches, trails, sidewalks, and streets, and good communication among community leaders old and new, prompt peaceful resolution and understanding chiefly in mind.

The V-GULP successfully calms and reassures the Glob-slimed shopkeepers that they are not alone. In turn, these wise receptive merchants offer ongoing cleanup assistance, which requires only a few minutes a day to make their place and the whole neighborhood look good, and convenient disposal access to their Dumpsters out back. But first, the V-GULP must analyze the garbage in order to determine its origins. Who is responsible for feeding the Blob? A Trashcorder scan quickly reveals items from …

Meanwhile, the garbage Blob on Girard Street is growing, pulsing slowly, doubling in size every few hours!

• Respectfully submitted Trashtrooper222, V-GULP Unit, Urbane Corps, La Jolla Cleanscape Command.

Egon Kafka is a trustee of the La Jolla Town Council, a member of the combined LJTC/PLJ La Jolla Streetscape Committee, and co-owner of La Jolla Village Lodge.